Victim Mentality

A way to cope with my past, holding me back from my future.

I’m writing from bed, having been stuck here for over a week, down for the count with Covid. As I’ve had lots of forced time to rest and reflect, I’m aware of how long I’ve been swimming upstream, against the current. A surrender is surely on the horizon, though wallowing in helplessness feels more tempting and familiar.

It’s easy for me to play the victim of my own life. Victim mentality is not a new concept or mindset for me, and I’ve been here many, many times before. I’ve subconsciously adopted it as a way to cope with past experiences — childhood emotional neglect, a divorce in my 20s, unexplained infertility, “failed” dreams. I’ve watched myself grow and learn from it, almost like jumping through one hula hoop of self-awareness only to realize there are endless hula hoops still waiting on the other side.

I came across a personal piece I wrote over a year ago about this very topic — here is an excerpt below.

I’ve spent years navigating infertility, crying at baby showers, feeling jealous of pregnant women I notice on the street, and craving the obvious purpose that comes along with motherhood.

Even in my first marriage and subsequent divorce, it was so comfortable to frame myself as the victim — and in many ways I was, but wallowing in melancholic self-pity did not serve me or anyone around me. It kept me stuck. My therapist at the time really helped me to uncover my true self, accept responsibility for my own actions, and find my power within. I had a role in all of it.

As an Enneagram Four, I can be emotionally over-sensitive and often feel misunderstood. Fours feel that their suffering makes them unique, and telling others about it can attract sympathy and admiration. It’s important for Fours to be seen as individual, original and authentic. I don’t like to fake it.

Trying to conceive has become such a part of my identity these last several years, so it felt somewhat effortless to share my struggles with a hair stylist, neighbor, or even a new colleague. I’m realizing how I subconsciously derived a sick pleasure in someone feeling sorry for me, and in feeling sorry for myself. 

When I reflect on it now, I think it was easier to view myself as a victim in these scenarios because it let me off the hook, not having to accept control or responsibility. Life felt like it was happening to me. As I’ve begun to peacefully envision a life without kids, I must let go of this mentality.

Here I am again, present day, a different backstory and emotion leading to the same destination. I’m learning to recognize when my mindset starts to slip to feelings of guilt, shame, betrayal, codependency, hypersensitivity or resentment. By digging more into the topic of victim mentality, it’s helping me to better understand why it’s been such a common theme throughout various seasons of my life. It’s a teacher, and a coping mechanism I’ve developed to protect myself. It often shows up as avoiding responsibility, depression, negative concept of self, or isolation.

But I can work with this teacher, not against it. Self-compassion feels like the first step, something my friend Kristine describes as “treating yourself with the care and concern you would give a friend when confronted with personal inadequacies, mistakes, failures, and painful life situations.” I remind myself that my feelings are valid, while welcoming in a new and kinder voice.

I’m no longer the victim in the story. It’s a slow trudge, not a gallop or a sprint. I’m taking it bit by bit.

Bit by fucking bit.

Love,
Elise

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NOTEWORTHY

—Kristine Claghorn and I are hosting another free Zoom session, this time on The Elements of Burnout: How to repair and move through chronic stress. She is such a great leader and I am grateful to be a part of the conversations. RSVP to join us here.

—Our Disarray puzzle book has made its way out into the world, and we still have copies available to purchase from our first run!

—I am still thinking about All Fours, the latest book from Miranda July. And when her kitchen reno was published on NY Mag, of course I was instantly obsessed.

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PLEASURE

Had a blast putting together this little “Pool Summer” roundup for my team at OZMA.

I’m loving these healing affirmations to connect with nature.

Dan got a Nintendo Switch a couple years ago for his birthday, and a friend at work told me about the game Overcooked! which is pure, fun, ridiculous chaos.

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CONTEMPLATING

Viggo Mortensen and Ron Howard see storytelling as an act of collaboration. “I just assume that everything I’ve seen and done—everything I’ve been exposed to in life, including movies—is going to affect any performance I give.”

The State Of The Bush. Thanks to WLW for sharing this one, with thousands of women polled about their pubic hair lol.

This Whimsical Parisian-Style Bungalow Is Not Your Typical Beach House. A warm yellow fireplace, a cozy dining area, and slanted ceilings with the perfect wallpaper.

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Photo Credit: ‘Face in the Crowd’ by Alex Prager, presented by Lehmann Maupin Gallery.