The Fertile Void

When nothing is propelling you forwards or backwards.

When I closed my shop in the summer of 2019, I didn’t have a clue what was next. Life can feel so full of possibility when you are young, and my childhood dream was coming to an end at the ripe age of thirty-two.

The hardest part of closing was making the actual decision. I had envisioned decades of being a shop owner, having children that spent countless hours after school in the store with me, growing old doing what I loved and creating space for community. The simple truth is that I was so heart-set on fulfilling this dream, I got caught up in the creativity of it all and rushed the important financials and logistics. Reality set in quickly — retail is not for the faint of heart. Sales were steady, but in order to generate enough of a profit margin for the brick-and-mortar, it would require such a large amount of inventory — one that I never really had enough money for.

Gradually, the anxiety and overwhelm took over. I had success on the outside but was running myself into the ground, losing sleep every night and breaking out in full body hives. I hated that when a friend would ask how I was doing, my response was always busy or stressed.

Looking back, I think I was under the impression that busyness equaled success, and I had unknowingly allowed my career and work to define me. It felt like I was in the passenger seat of my own life. By clearing space and closing the shop, I had room to breathe, to set new priorities and to determine what was truly valuable and important to me. In saying goodbye, my eyes began to open to new desires and creative avenues.

I took a pottery class with my mom, read a bunch of novels, enjoyed solo walks in nature and slept a lot. After a short restful period, the fertile void crept its way in. I had read a piece titled “Idle” in The Gentlewoman by Ann Friedman (one of my favorite writers) that perfectly encapsulated what I was experiencing:

“The fertile void is a concept that originates in Gestalt psychotherapy and describes a period that occurs when something big has been accomplished after hard work or struggle. With this achievement or milestone in your rearview, you find yourself somehow both ready to rest… and profoundly unsettled. It’s a void because there is no force propelling you forwards or backwards, or anywhere, any more. Such a pronounced absence of motivation can feel like a kind of death."

I haven’t once felt like I made the wrong decision, but the lack of a clear identity, purpose and career path made for a difficult few years, some of the lowest I’ve ever had. Sometimes you have to tear it all down before you can build it back up.

In 2020, we decided to start trying for a family. I was wise enough to know it might not happen quickly, but I couldn’t grasp just how hard it would become, and how it would feel in the day-to-day moments. So much waiting. So much unknown. So much hope. So much grief. So much loneliness. We have spent the past three years navigating unexplained infertility — and while there are specifics of our journey that I may share at some point — it swallowed me up and consumed me in countless ways.

Time for a return to self.

I’m meeting myself in a powerful new season, more in flow and attuned to the blessings right in front of me. I’m happier than I’ve felt in years. This realization has ushered in a newfound sense of contentment, ease and freedom, and I’m paying attention.

Sometimes you have to tear it all down before you can build it back up.

Love,
Elise

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NOTEWORTHY

—Couples Therapy is back with a new season, which of course we consumed in one weekend. I am obsessed with Dr. Orna Guralnik.

—My old store Goodwin was featured on Architectural Digest’s website, in case you’re curious. 👀

—The Aspects Of Manifestation We Shouldn’t Discount.

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PLEASURE

My friend Katrina has a beautiful new song out that will make you cry.

This poem that so perfectly encapsulates my present moment and brings a smile to my face.

I’m heading to Copenhagen and Stockholm later this month, both for the very first time. I can’t wait to have a cardamom bun here. Please send any recommendations if you’ve got them!

An $850 hiking sandal that I desperately need in my life. 🤣

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CONTEMPLATING

The Lies Mothers Tell Themselves And Their Children. I’m always so appreciative of Elise Loehnen’s honest and vulnerable words, and look forward to reading On Our Best Behavior soon.

What If You Could Do It All Over? “While growth realizes, it narrows. Plural possibilities simmer down. This is painful, but it’s an odd kind of pain—hypothetical, paradoxical. Even as we regret who we haven’t become, we value who we are. We seem to find meaning in what’s never happened.”

New And Upcoming Books to Discover This Pride Month. Goodreads has compiled a wide-ranging list of 2023 books by and about the LGBTQ+ community. This, this, this and this are on my upcoming reading list. Happy Pride! 🌈

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Credits: Photo by Sergiy Barchuk. Quote by Ann Friedman from an article titled “Idle” in issue nº 20 of The Gentlewoman magazine, Autumn & Winter 2019.

My portrait was taken by Chelsea J. O’Leary in Joshua Tree National Park on our creative retreat last month, May 2023.