Sense & Sensitivity
I asked a handful of "HSPs" to share about their personal experiences.
The other night I opened my Notes app and jotted, “I'm the kind of person who can read a caption on Instagram and have it redirect the entire course of my day.”
I’ve always been a deep feeler, and aware of my sensitivity to some extent, but had never really spent time considering the term “HSP” or “highly sensitive person” for myself. I don't know what specifically put this on my radar again recently — thank you, Universe — but I feel that I’ve found new language for processing and moving through the world more congruently.
I’m currently halfway through reading Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, and am so grateful for new insight, practices and understanding. I often tend to “push through” my overstimulation, and end up emotionally collapsing or feeling completely depleted. I’m beginning to pay more acute attention — to notice sooner — when the overwhelm is coming on, and to offer soft, gentle care and moments for myself.
When I shared about my realization with a new friend recently, she laughed sweetly and said that she could've told me I was an HSP within minutes of meeting me. She's an HSP, too. I feel like a new pathway is being uncovered before me, and am so grateful to her (and the handful of other HSPs) that have shared anonymously about their personal experiences below.
You know when you go to the eye doctor and awkwardly position yourself behind the heavy machinery, and the optometrist starts alternating between option 1 or 2, A or B? Slowly, things are becoming clearer. For me personally, I’m finding beauty and meaning in the privilege and chaos of aging — cultivating a deeper sense of belonging with myself, with others, and with the natural world.
’s words in her newsletter this week hit me hard… she says: I forgot home isn't a place we suddenly land in, but is instead a place we intentionally cultivate, make, build, tend to.I'd love to hear if any of this resonates or stirs something in you. And a big, big thank you to the guests who so generously and vulnerably answered my questions about HSP below. Here’s to the lifelong journey of finding “home” — and to tending to ourselves with a bit more wonderment, curiosity and love.
Love,
Elise
What are some common misconceptions about being highly sensitive?
That you're weak and fragile. And that it's a made up condition.
I think people who know that I'm HSP (not many, it's not something I've openly spoken about at this point in my life) might feel they need to tiptoe around me, or in certain instances where maybe I'm with people I don't know very well, I can be perceived as quiet or shy.
I find it quite interesting myself that even though I’m very sensitive to noise, crowds of people, lights, and can get very overstimulated and overwhelmed, one of my happiest places to be is a small outdoor music festival, dancing in a crowd of good people to great music, surrounded by nature. So if the environment is right, and there are calm spaces to look at and spend time in to recharge, then I can get so much bliss from highly stimulating things. I can spend all day and night dancing in a crowd outside to a good metal band or electronic dance music, which can seem out of character for HSP traits.
That I am overly emotional and fragile. I also have been told that being an HSP is not a "real" thing, and that I am just trying to make it okay that I am too emotional.
I'm not sure many people outside of the HSP community really think about this enough to have common misconceptions, ha!
That everything hurts my feelings and people need to be overly cautious with how they communicate with me.
What practices, if any, have you put into place to take care and bring comfort to yourself?
Knowing when sounds become too loud that I need time by myself immediately. And routines throughout the day, nothing major, just touchstones that make me feel more grounded and comfortable.
It's important for me to surround myself with nature several times a week. It helps me to slow down and stay calm. If I'm having a day where I'm feeling more sensitive than usual, I will spend some time alone with music, reading, and meditating.
Yoga, meditation, eating well and spending lots of time in nature all help so much. In spring, summer and autumn I like to spend one day a week somewhere peaceful in nature, sitting on a picnic blanket with some nice food, doing some writing/reflecting/planning/working, and also just lying in the sun and recharging. I feel really good in myself in this environment, and I can feel my body relaxing and resetting. I make sure I have lots of low-stimulation quiet time in my week, otherwise I get overwhelmed. Visually I have my home and work spaces quite minimal, calm and peaceful, which gives me a sense of ease. And I listen to music with headphones a lot of the time to cut out other noises, especially when in the city, on the bus and near busy roads.
My environment is really important to me. I have a sensitivity to bright lights and temperature so all of my lamps at home have bulbs that make me feel calm (no LED blue light for me, thank you!). I make sure when I go out in a large group or am at a gathering with a lot of people that my schedule is free the next day so I can rest and regenerate my energy. I always tell myself that I can leave if I feel overwhelmed or overstimulated, and have cultivated a community of people who accept this about me. Two weeks out of the year I spend time in nature to reset my nervous system. I purposefully start my day in a way that is slow, with very low stimulus so that my nervous system isn't on high alert all day, every day. I also like routines, it helps me to know when I am having a particularly trying season that my routines will bring me comfort and make me feel safe.
The most helpful practice for me has been inner child work, both formally (therapy, EMDR, etcetera) and informally (journaling, meditation). An HSP's childhood can be filled with specifically formative experiences that create the beliefs we are looping on as adults. In my case, being extra sensitive to changes in environment as well as overly attuned to feelings of others caused me to be labeled as “moody,” “difficult,” or “strange.” Rewiring those harmful beliefs in the light of what we know about HSPs today has been the most necessary healing process for me.
Taking a second to allow myself to process my emotions (even if it means stepping away from a group dinner or party) and not being self-conscious of the fact that sometimes it takes longer for me to 'get over something' than most of my friends.
How does being an HSP most show up for you in day-to-day life?
Deep sensitivity to environment, whether positive or negative.
I notice it comes in waves, some days I feel a-OK, and others I'm triggered by lots of things. I’d say my most triggering are loud repetitive sounds and unusual smells. It brings out this irritation that I am always shocked exists inside of me. Crowded spaces also rock my nervous system. I think how I sleep, my diet, work and just general stress levels definitely dictate how it shows up each day for me.
Working in the city and busing to work every day means I’m highly aware of all the noise and busyness going on around me, so I listen to music with headphones a lot of the time to help block out some of that external noise. I have thin curtains up at my work space so if I’m visually overstimulated they make the space much more peaceful — they still let light in but hide all the movement (traffic and people) going on on the street outside. I am most sensitive to noise, visual things, smells, other people’s feelings and energy, and perhaps my own feelings. As well as being really hard to cope with sometimes, I can see how being highly sensitive is very special, too — and how it plays a big part in my work as a painter. I create soothing, peaceful paintings that feel calming for me to paint and look at. And it’s pretty special to be able to share some of those feelings with others.
Light and sound affect me, so living in a very large city with constant activity really weighs on me. I get exhausted easily. I find that I need a lot of down time on weekends to recover from a busy week. I can walk into a room and get hit with all of the emotions and energy that everyone is carrying and no one else seems to notice. I have a hard time with surface level conversations and I sometimes feel like I am on the outside looking in.
For me, the biggest navigational challenges have been in parenting. These challenges are further compounded by parenting a highly sensitive child who struggles with sensory sensitivity and emotional regulation herself. On one hand, my personal experience being a HSP gives me an advantage in my ability to meet her specific needs. But, because I am so attuned to the emotional state of people around me, as well as their shifts in mood, I tend to absorb feelings and moods and take them on as my own. When she is disregulated, I struggle to be regulated as well. This sometimes feels like a relentless cycle of escalation. It is hard!
I've learned it's my super power. Because I'm naturally more in tune with my emotions, it allows me to sense how people are feeling before they're able to articulate it. This has strengthened a lot of my relationships, and has also taken me far in business. Networking is definitely my strong suit and I attribute that 100% to being an HSP.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?
Turn off sound, try to eliminate light.
I'm still working on this area of my life. For now I just get quiet and try to focus on what I need to get done / where I'm going. I grew up an only child with a single mom, so I learned to self-soothe and be alone with my struggles very young. If I'm with people I feel safe with and trust, I try to share that I'm having a moment so they can navigate and help me. Or at least just know what's going on if I'm quiet.
Finding a place to go that’s peaceful and quiet is the best soothing thing. Sometimes that’s not possible so I use headphones. I’m still learning what to do in these times. Lying or sitting on the floor and feeling grounded often helps if it’s possible to do so.
I try to get out in nature and spend time alone. If I can't do that, I put on noise cancelling headphones and plug into forest sounds/frequencies online and read. When I had dogs, I used to spend time with them at home on the couch watching a movie, cuddled together, that was really regenerative. I will unplug from my phone for a day if I feel that I really need to regroup and I am unable to get away.
Because I'm so affected by sensory input, I lean heavily into creating comforting sensory experiences when I'm overwhelmed. It's not always possible, but when I can dim the lights, burn beeswax candles, diffuse lavender oil, run a warm bath, listen to calming music, put on an eye mask, and snuggle under clean sheets and fluffy blankets... it's like a reboot for my nervous system. And, on a more mundane level, I just try to be intentional about the fabrics I wear, the media I consume, the scents and colors in my home. These little bits of daily sensory stimuli really add up, so keeping input soothing where I can helps.
When I disappoint people or when I'm in an overstimulating environment, such as being in a loud restaurant where I can't hear my friends—I get drained FAST.
Has the term “HSP” helped you to better understand yourself? Do you have any books, resources or links you could share that you’ve found most helpful?
This term makes perfect sense to me. I consider being HSP a true gift. It allows me to tap in and understand in a way that others might not have access too. But sometimes that can be exhausting too.
I think knowing I'm HSP is a help in and of itself. Knowing I'm not alone brought comfort.
Yes, and it’s always so nice, comforting and reassuring hearing from other people that have the same or similar experiences. Doing a mindfulness and meditation course with Remind, and Dianna Lopez’s meditations and guitar music has been very special and helpful. Also all that The Daily Rest and Hitomi Mochizuki put out into the world is so comforting and reassuring — about living life peacefully and gently.
When I found out I was an HSP it was like my whole world finally made sense. I had a reason for why loud noise made me so anxious, why certain lights gave me headaches, why sad or violent movies and TV shows stayed with me for so long and affected me so deeply when everyone else seemed to move through those emotions so quickly or not at all. I was able to give myself grace for missing social activities or for feeling “other.” I started to think of it as a superpower. Emotions that seemed so hard for others to feel came so easily to me; good or bad. I now feel so grateful that I get to experience the world so deeply. Small things can make me feel so much joy, and that to me is such a beautiful gift. I read ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ book and I frequently read The Highly Sensitive Refuge newsletter. Listening to nature sounds while I am working or resting. There is a website called Treefm where you can listen to different forests... I know it probably sounds weird but I find it soothing. Stretching and stillness also help me a lot. This is a good IG account that deals with Highly Sensitive Families, which has been helpful for me while I raise an HSP teenager.
The term, as well as the books by Elaine Aron, have helped me so much to understand myself as part of a community rather than an outlier. I have read several of her books — ‘The Highly Sensitive Parent’ and ‘The Highly Sensitive Child’ have been the most valuable for me personally. Her research and insights into high sensitivity have allowed me to reclaim all the GOOD things about being an HSP (empathy, attunement, artistic expression, etcetera).
‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ book truly changed my life forever. Being an HSP is a beautiful thing, and the book helped me lean into it way more. I was always told I was too sensitive, but that also correlates with the fact that my friends can count on me when they're stressed. I know how to be sensitive to people's feelings.
What do you need to feel connected to yourself and others?
Time alone, time in nature, time in the kitchen, time reading.
It’s just time alone. Quiet time to be with my thoughts. And to feel connected to others I need empathy and understanding. If the people in my community and the ones I love can give me space and are willing to learn / grow with me, my connection can grow deeper with them.
If my week involves some quiet time in nature, yoga, meditation, music and dancing then I feel most grounded and warm and good in myself. And when I’m in those good feeling spaces in myself, it’s so much nicer to connect with others.
I need deep one-on-one conversation with people I am close to. I struggle in groups. I want to know how people are feeling, what struggles they are facing, what support they need. I don't necessarily need it often, but I need my friendships to be able to go there. I really enjoy listening to people's stories and hearing about their lives. During everyday life, I give myself moments of silence during the day to connect back to myself. I like to spend time in nature, surrounded by trees; that always helps me get clear. I also feel deeply connected to myself and to the world when I am traveling and seeing new places.
Having strong boundaries, as well as identifying and speaking my needs. These are, of course, very difficult practices for me! But the more I can recognize, own, and express my needs, the more I can protect my energy. The more I can protect my energy, the better I can show up for the people I love.
When I feel every feeling (instead of suppressing) and share vulnerable moments with friends. When I feel my emotions, I carry less emotional baggage which naturally translates to feeling more present in every moment. My head is clear and I'm able to stop and have those “wow, this is amazing” moments. I'm currently in Europe and have said that no less than 10x per day. It's a beautiful feeling to feel connected to yourself and to be present in the moment.
NOTEWORTHY
—Disarray is officially in stores! Find our puzzle book in Nashville, Los Angeles, Atlanta and Topanga, and of course through duen-de.com.
—I came across this IG Reel highlighting “books that made me feel ok with still feeling lost in my 30s” and I felt so seen. Can’t wait to dive into Rachel’s list.
—This insightful quote about the importance of having a practice, from Robert Fripp.
PLEASURE
For some reason I just watched the 1995 film Before Sunrise for the very first time, and I must say, it’s a perfect movie.
This gluten-free Chocolate Tahini Banana Bread is truly to die for.
Josh Hartnett is BACK, and young me is very happy about it. I loved this recent conversation he had with Julia Stiles so, so much.
CONTEMPLATING
Instant Stress Relief. The mindfulness app Open shared some simple ideas for regulating our nervous systems to create sustainable change. Cold showers have been particularly healing for me lately.
Ana Kraš Does It All. I’ve long admired artist Ana Kraš and her various creative endeavors. This interview for HURS was incredibly inspiring.
Creating The Life You Want with Thomas Jones. This Benshen podcast episode with the psychotherapist really struck a chord, and I’ve found myself repeating his emotional clearing exercise a lot this week.
Photo Credit: ‘c.ulleres’ teaspoon sunglasses, 2018, by Cristian Herrera Dalmau.