Note To Self

Birthday musings and advice for our younger selves.

Today is my 36th birthday. This season of life — in many ways — has felt more beautiful than ever, but I’ve been finding myself overcome with waves of grief. Grief about not having many of the things I hope for in life yet. Grief that life still feels so hard. Grief over the weight of the world. The grief and discomfort that birthdays so often tend to stir up. I’m never more aware of my feelings than on this day each year.

My older brother and I share our birthday, exactly 3 years apart. I recently returned home from a trip visiting his sweet family in Minnesota, and cherished the precious moments with my 2.5 year old niece Viola. We played make-believe in her mini kitchen, twirled in the living room to songs from Encanto, and read lots and lots of books. On my last night, at her bedtime, I was reading her a book titled “In A Jar” and found myself choking back tears (unsuccessfully). In the story, a little rabbit collects ordinary things in jars — things like feathers, heart-shaped stones and buttercups. He makes a new friend and they start to gather more extraordinary things together like rainbows and the sound of the ocean. One day, his friend moves far away and his heart feels like an empty jar. He lies in bed at night and decides to send her a special package with a meteor shower bottled inside. They begin to share their collections with each other from a distance — all the adventures and memories and little life pleasures. What I wouldn’t give to bottle up Viola’s wet kisses, I love yous, and cuddles from this heartwarming age.

Little Elise would’ve loved that charming story. I smile seeing that sweet 6-year-old girl in the photo above, at her Barbie-themed birthday party (peep that cake, plus a special shout-out to my mom for the fancy hair styling). I wish I could tell her to never stop dreaming. To never lose sight of wonder and awe. I’d remind her to savor and bottle up the joys, sounds, feelings and adventures that we see and experience each day. I’d show her that it’s okay to express your emotions, and that for all the bad in the world, there is also inherent goodness. I’d make sure she knows that she is wonderful and lovable and worthy exactly as she is.

I wish I could protect her — and all children — from some of the harsh realities of the world we live in. Earlier that very day, I learned of the horrific shooting that took place at a Nashville school just minutes from the school I attended growing up. My third grade teacher was among one of the 6 people tragically killed. She was my favorite teacher, the first person that poured into me and opened my eyes to new and palpable experiences. I’m so grateful to Mrs. (Broyles) Peak and all of the others who helped shape me in those early formative years.

April 9 falls on the 99th day of the year. The number 99 is a sign of completion, new beginnings and infinite possibilities. It can indicate that a change is coming — that we have the power to create our own reality.

For my birthday this year, I asked a few friends to share what advice they wish to give their younger selves. These are the words that I’m putting into my metaphorical “jar,” holding tight, and finding nourishment and healing in this year. I’m so grateful for their willingness and inspired by their vulnerability. I encourage you to pour yourself a cup of coffee, get cozy and dig in below when you’re ready. Please leave a comment with your own advice if you’d like to share with this community. We’d love to hear from you.

Hug yourself and your loved ones a little tighter today.

I love you,
Elise

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I would tell my younger self many things, a lot of them having to do with the superficial worries. I would make make sure she liked what she looked like more. To stop finding faults with weight/hair/split ends/not having the right things and just be more comfortable being you because she wasted a shit ton of energy on that. Being me. I definitely give less fucks about that now, or maybe it’s that I accept it all more? She should know that she won’t ever look or feel that good again… so I wish I had known that earlier.

I would let her know that part of life's magic is that everyone else is also walking around literally having no fucking clue and that’s ok. That we all connect and move through life and pick up little pieces and people along the way and learn a little bit more about how little we actually know and isn’t that amazing?!?

I would tell her that it’s all going to turn out really fucking fantastic so just look around every once in a while and savor it because all these moments will tumble together into washes of color.

—Keren Bernard

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There’s so much of childhood and adolescence that requires you to learn your own lessons as you’re experiencing life. While considering what advice I’d share with my teenage self, I realized, teenage me likely wouldn’t want to hear it. With this in mind, I could only try to pass on one message to my awkward, shy, curious, anxious self…

Try to be present in this time. 

Soak up the moments with best friends that you get to see everyday. Pay attention to what you enjoy learning in school. Follow your curiosities. Ask questions. Speak up for yourself. Listen to your parents. They’re trying their best. Adult life will be here soon. Enjoy the now. And if right now isn’t enjoyable, search within yourself to learn what you like and ask for what you need to create what you want.

—Carissa Shapiro

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Take a long, deep breath. Feel the gentle beating of your heart. Connect with the place deep within you where you feel love. This is your light, your peaceful place — come back whenever you need. 

Remember sweet girl, you are inherently good. Release the pressure for perfection. Find abundant beauty and solace in imperfections. 

Oh, and I know you've experienced inexplicable grief and trauma. I am sorry, so terribly sorry sweet one. I am here. I have held you in my arms and wept for you. Know this, the walls you have built around your heart served you for a time, but you won't need them forever.

—Ashley

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It's always better to be friendly and kind than it is to be cool. Set the tone of what you want to be and others will meet you there.

—Jaimi Brooks

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I would tell my younger self that “ain’t nobody worried about you, they’re worried about themselves.” And I say that with some sarcastic undertone.

What I mean by that is a lot of my anxiety in life has been tied to others’ perceptions of me (which we all know we have zero control over), and what I’ve come to realize is that, for the most part, people are way too wrapped up in their own shit to care all that much about what I’m doing or not doing, or judging who I am as a person. In addition, my core people know who I am and love me crumbs and all. So with that said, live a little larger and do what you do, and do it how you want to be doing it. Life is seriously too short to give a damn.

—Tara Hallarman

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Good and also Evil
Kind and also Careful
Hurt and also Healing
Empathy and also Not My Problem
Bad Men and also Lovely Ones
Vulnerable and also Fuck Off
Vengeance and also Forgiveness
Stay Home and also See The World
Big Smile and also Depression
Distance and also Closer Than Ever
Intimacy and also No One Will Ever Truly Know Me
Straight and also Spectrum
Newborn and also Ancient Wisdom
Neons and also Neutrals
Hope and also Dystopia
Acceptance and also Rage
God and also Nothing
Everywhere and also Right Here
True Love and also Loneliness
Believing and also Seeing
Dreams Of The Future and also Painstakingly Present
Getting Better and also Enough

I would tell her to learn now that life is both/and. 

—Hayley Williams

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When I think of my younger self, I think of vulnerable and emotionally volatile teenage-and-early-twenties-Liz. My advice to her would be to worry less, try to release shame and embarrassment, and look for the love, magic, and friendship that is right in front of you. When I think of my younger self as someone outside of me — as a friend — I have so much compassion and tenderness for her! I would tell her to try to always assume the best rather than the worst, and have fun.

—Elizabeth Pape

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LEAVE THE EYEBROWS ALONE.

—Cara Jackson

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To My Younger Self: 

If I could borrow you for an afternoon, I would tell you about three literary works. I would choose literature to keenly highlight how art can and will sustain you. I would promise you there is comfort in the collective experience of love, loss, joy, anguish, and every emotion that makes us wholly human and intimately connected. I would remind you to seek this collective experience. To create it. To share it. To become it. 

First, I would tell you about David Whyte’s essay entitled, “Friendship.” I would belabor the line, “Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn.” The process of forgiveness, of a friend or family member, is deeply painful and can hinge on impossible, but it is the only true path to peace. More so, forgiveness of oneself is the ultimate feat, and it is also the ultimate act of self-care and unfailing love.

Next, I would encourage you to visit, and revisit, “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver, a poem through which she tells us we “do not have to be good.” You do not have to be good, for crying out loud. You do not have to be good, but you have to be kind. You have to use protection. You have to tell the truth. You must know the difference between empathy and compassion, and you must lean on each when the light of your life or a complete stranger needs one from you. You must know the difference between adoration and desire because you will adore the absolute hell out of life, but you must desire far less than you adore. You must know the difference between curiosity and nosiness. Curiosity will both carry and anchor you; it is as important as love. Nosiness will lead to hurtful gossip and distracting drama that was never your business anyway; it is as important as a pop quiz in seventh grade.

Finally, I would implore you to read, “Invitation” by Kate Baer, a poem through which she reminds us we can “let our life rest on what is already good.” And your life, my dear, will be so damn good. You will not lose a parent before you become one. You will find yourself surrounded by women as strong as wolves and tender as a lily in bloom. You will begin writing young, a practice that will lead you to the truest, most sacred version of yourself, one with which you will mother an extraordinary boy and nourish a lottery-won family. You must always find rest in the holy goodness of your life. It is there, waiting to be honored, waiting to sustain you.

—Chelsea J. O’Leary

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1. While doing due diligence is great and many times needed, often finding the "best" thing — whether it be a product, service, provider, etc. needs to be more connected to how it makes you feel vs. how well it is rated / reviewed. For example, the best or most renowned doctor may be known for incredible success but make you feel small or unimportant, and tuning into that is key: align yourself with those whose values are aligned with yours.

2.  Trust the process and try to surrender — the more you try to force or control an outcome, the more chaos and stress you will create along the way, while having no actual impact on the end result.

—Carly Joseph

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You don't need to ask permission. Look inward, not outward for reassurance and confidence in yourself and your abilities. Always forgive. Always trust your gut the moment it speaks to you. Find a way every day to work with your hands: cook a meal, plant some flowers or vegetables, climb a tree, give a long hug. Go outside for at least 10 minutes first thing in the morning and at least 10 minutes at sunset. Breathe. Practice gratitude in all things.

—Liz Haffner

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I know you got lost in them, their undealt with pain. You thought you could remove the thorn — the one that’s been in their side and their parent’s side and their parents’ parent’s side. Taking so much pride in being the one who could take it away, even if just for a day. You grew up so fast — caretaking and looking after. You wonder if they will ever notice that the thorn is now in your side. Sometimes you mistake it as yours. It’s not yours. Sometimes you mistake it as you. It's not you. I promise.

Remember the times you’d escape to the backyard to build a fort in the woods, or spend the afternoon jumping back and forth over the creek with your bare feet? You’ve always been a lover of the Earth — your safe place. And remember the joy it brought you to decorate your room? You'd create a theme and want every piece to match it perfectly. You’ve always loved creating and making your space a sanctuary. And remember how long it would take you to do your homework or finish a test? Always feeling a few steps behind. But you’ve always moved at a slow, intentional pace — a pace that will one day teach you the magic of the present moment. Remember all of that?

I know some days the thorn clouds your view. and from time to time, you may forget who you are without it. But can’t you see? You’ve known her all along. The thorn is your reminder to come back to her. Again and again. And one day you’ll forget about the thorn. I promise. But first you have to hold the thorn before you can let it go. 

—Hollie Ruth

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Photo from “In A Jar,” written and illustrated by Deborah Marcero.

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NOTEWORTHY

—16 little reminders for when you feel like you aren’t quite where you want to be in life.

—A fundraiser that goes directly to the Nashville Covenant School shooting victims’ families. Cynthia Peak, Katherine Koonce, Mike Hill, Evelyn Dieckhaus, Hallie Scruggs and William Kinney — may you rest peacefully. ♥

—I wrote a piece on how the Enneagram plays a role in relationships for The Well Lived Woman. I talk about getting terribly sick on my honeymoon and my dynamic with my husband.

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PLEASURE

Planning to make myself a grown-up funfetti cake today. Or maybe these pistachio chocolate chip cookies.

If you haven’t seen PEN15, it is absolutely hilarious and brilliant. Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle are my favorite duo.

Ah, the magic of nostalgia! The writer who revisits the joy of a Claire’s store as an adult seriously took me right back to those days.

Some great advice I learned recently from Amanda Chantal Bacon — mini size mascara! I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so my mascara often dries out in between uses. The mini tube tip is genius, and this one is my current favorite.

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CONTEMPLATING

This Isn't What Millennial Middle Age Was Supposed To Look Like. A fascinating read on The New York Times, and a striking take on said read from Ann Friedman.

How To Heal From This. Nick Cave responds to a fan’s question about breaking down from sad and traumatic circumstances. This man and his beautiful words often rip my heart right open.

Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It. Read ‘til the end on this one — it’s a deep dive into the concept and misinterpretation of imposter syndrome, and I found it so so insightful and rich.

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